I feel like he is being selfish. One of the best gifts you can give your mother is patience and understanding, I thought we were just doing something the two of us and this woman I have never heard of or seen in my life showed up and my dad doesnt introduce her. While reading some of the behaviors of the GFs, I felt very bad for some of you, I understand where you are coming from.. I am glad that I came across this website, looking for guidance that could help my future husband (next year) and my own relationship with his adult children after his mother passed away 3 years ago. I never got to really have my father to myself growing up and even more now. Welcome to r/AmITheAsshole. The first. You are the Girlfriend so you would not understand how their children feel. He was not the only person to conclude thus. Dad went thru surgery and treatment and is now cancer free. I dont want him to sit around being a lonely old grieving man as he has accused me ..but since he asked for my opinion of this relationship so soon (and really wanted my blessing)I stated to him and his lady friend.that I felt he owed my mother more respect than this. I have given up. We never built a very close relationship while my mother was alive, but now that she's gone we find ourselves calling each other constantly. Is this legal? Maybe Im being childish and selfish but a dying wish for a wife of 42 years should be honored dont you think? i feel as this home has nothing more to offer me and i should just leave it as soon as i can. He now expects me, his daughter to participate in holidays there. She had fallen out of love with my dad a long time ago, she had told me, but I was worried about who would take care of her. I have been there and am still there after many years. My husband also feared that now that his mother was gone, his stepdad would cast him aside. I just dont know what to do about this anymore. Before after a great degree of her death is required, ray magno. However, he has been pretending for the past few months that this older lady (probably about 10 years older than him) has just been buying gifts for my niece and making him food all the time because she feels sorry for our family. While so many people say that life doesnt stop when a spouse dies, what so many people dont get is, the choices the remaining spouse makes not just affects them, but their ENTIRE FAMILY. I cant say what it is that makes parents cast off their responsibilities towards those left behind but this website is a testament to the fact that they do. They were married 34 years good relationship. He has never really been there financially even when my mother was alive, but I used to think its because He has lots of kids & He will one day change. I feel she has crossed the line with buying a shirt for my father that says Bank of Grandpa 0% percent interest which I feel something like that should have come from either my children or my brothers. I wish you the best. My husband was witnessing all of this at work but hadnt been told of this new shop until the day before it was due to open. I'm just saying it is possible to have that high of a bill. In my own case it was what eventually powered me through some difficulties. I hope for your fathers and your sake that you can work this out, because to lose a daughters love is something that is unimaginable so I wish you the best. So as if all of this is not bad enough now he tells me that she is gunna move into his house. . I thought my feelings of anger and hurt were unfounded. My uncle laughed and said Ellen had my dad whipped. My aunt and uncle dont like Ellen either and I have sometimes talked to them about how I feel about her. I guess I just wanted to say the relationship has blighted our lives and especially mine. I feel that bringing her around a family function this soon is very unacceptable. I am not casting doubt on this woman or saying she is financially motivated. Im done this is just too heart breaking for me and our family. My dad isnt rich but has enough for his needs and has slipped money to me in the past to be kind to me. I dont want to be the cause of them breaking up but he should respect my Mom, me, my brother and his grandkids more. She is completely self absorbed and obsessed with wrinkles. And on top of this, if you actually read everyones comments, most of these people want the parent to be happy, but they are just not ready to meet their parents new friend. You will never trust your fathers love for you again. Then in 2013 my parents came to live in my home. I am also dealing with the situation of my father being remarried after my Mom passed away. I was not comfortable with the relationship however as suggested I tried to form a friendship. It sounds like this woman has him as my uncle would phrase it whipped. What these lonely old men dont seem to realize is that there is more to the situation than just their wants and needs. The first person who extended his arms was my ex-boyfriend Nick, who had been there when my dad was first diagnosed seven years prior. If my husband were to do the same, the thought of it makes me very sad. I feel like Im being emotionally abandoned all over again and Im 50. I think at some point, my ears and brain stopped listening and corresponding after he dropped this bombshell. It was a very long battle as you may be able to tell but she did end up moving on. The fact that my dad feels that I should be grateful to this woman for everything shes done for me. So, she has no concept of what it is like to be a grandmother and quite frankly I hope she never has any biological grandchildren as she doesnt deserve to be a grandmother. Anyway, I am furious about this entire situation. Dad was a wonderful caregiver. I said I needed time since I was still grieving the loss of my mother. After all, his needs werent being met. What about me?. I can offer no hope to anyone going through this. Now when he truly needs her she is not willing to be there. I just found out that my Dad is beginning a relationship with a new lady, so I instantly came home and found this amazing website. I took an overdose. My only advice to any of you dealing with a similar situation is to always calmly and truly speak your mind, dont let things go unsaid. How to get a good woman. Any suggestions? But from your comments, I believe we each feel pretty much the same. WebAnswer (1 of 4): Im sorry for your loss. She had to go to AT&T and get my dad taken off of our cell phone plan, and they kept transferring her to other people and she kept having to explain what had happenedI was really upset that they put her through that; it seemed so insensitive. Two years is not nearly as long as many people might think when it relates to the loss of a loved one. Then she calls him back saying she just needs to hear his voice. Anyway, my sister would come in from California and every time she arrived this lady would come over . People that think the only way to find happiness is through a relationship and not through a connection with their family are selfish and shortsighted. I think he expects both the families to just blend together like the Brady bunch and I dont think thats ever going to happen. Do we accept presents from them for the girls and allow them to speak with them on birthdays and Christmas? She was after my father for 40 years! Time passed, and my sister and I asked when the party would be so we could plan accordingly. Everyone has to understand that I mean no harm and I resent everyone looking down on the GIRLFRIEND its become a dirty word to meI have not done any thing wrong. Studies show that losing a parent can lead to increased risks for long-term issues such as depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. Im 23 and I cannot stand the situation that i am in. My father is now almost 88.My sister and I alternate visiting him daily and seeing to his needs. He has moved in with her. Ive tried reminding him that while our mom was still alive, it was normal and non-threatening for us each to have our separate relationships with our mom and with our dad, and then the combined relationship with all. He has a house here in FL and one in KY,so he felt the need to go to KY to get away for a while. The speed with which these relationships begin seem to be often at break-neck speed and you are wrong to say you cannot say how soon is too soon? If what I do causes distress to those around me then for that I am responsible. Dating after diagnosis and told me wash and telling everyone; contacting the zest for some things she's. And let this be a cautionary tale to any stay at home mom's out there. It absolutely makes me feel like Im not wanted. Time moved on. My parents had been married 50 yrs. We are all somewhat scarred from all weve been through. I guess I just need to keep asking God for his help. He refuses to accept that this fear is a big factor in his decision to marry so quickly; SInce then, my dad aquired another lady. Growing up, I lived with both my parents and I would say we were a very close family. oh and forgot to mention when I first met her I googled her and found she had 3 DUIs already. Do not live in the same painful place, allow yourself and your family to move on. Whitney gave me back a piece of him that would have otherwise faded. If love is measured in sacrifice then she despises him. I think he is lost and being stupid. After a year my sister got a call begging her to pick him up immediately as basically she was kicking him out. She did, however, let me run other errands for her and drive her to the occasional appointment. Margaret "Maggie" Murdaugh and her 22-year-old son Paul were both killed in June 2021. Do you know though, that this woman accused me of giving in to my husband though and going to his familys for holiday dinners years ago? I do feel that mom thinks its all about her right now. About 8 months or so ago, he informed me that he was going out-of-town to meet a woman he had meet on an online dating site who lived in a nearby town. His main focus is just Money. Do you want to? Does your mother want and/or need you to move in? Dont do it only for appeasing the feeling of familial obligations. You may both My parents were marred for 30 plus years. Add to this that she and my dad (who had been seeing each other) over the course of a couple of months and broke us, got back together, broke up, got back together. He drives me insane. My dad died in March. Now, try the right place. We are not trying to move me in the family home, nor is marriage even being discussed. That is NO EXCUSE for these newly widowed people to act like teenagers in their first love affair after their wife dies. I am an only daughter. Wait. Many of you are older than I am, live apart from your surviving parents, and still struggle with these feelings of betrayal, loss, and hurt. My dad, who is almost 74, is also just realizing that he is aging and I think he is grabbing for something to make him feel young and vital again, and this new exciting relationship is doing it for him although it has broken his daughters hearts. After suffering a lost you should know that life is too short and it can change in any given moment. Hi Lisa, But I hope she comes out of it. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. But for right now I am ok with at least being able to see my father periodically and trying. The people who have been talking about the rights of the adult parent to move on however quickly are not seeing the whole picture. Who is a wonderful and caring person. All of your comments here are like echoes of my own situation. We only dated for 3 short, wonderful months. I was appalled and shocked when he told me. Incidentally, upon hearing I had taken the pills my father said two things. Surround yourself with a solid community, and find people who will talk you through this kind of stuff, or willing to just talk about the utterly mundane. I have been reading through previous posts and feeling much better that I am not alone. Or is too much? And perhaps, someday, he will meet a woman who shares his values and can make a life with him. He is 20 again and mom has been gone for 5 months. If you're fortunate enough to have a supportive network, many will say "I am here for you. The key, unsaid part of that sentence is "for whatever you need." So how, after your few months of experience, do you think yourself qualified to predict your feelings years into the future? So I am basically stuck in this seething state of anger and resentment while also trying to deal with the grief of losing my mother. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: I might be the asshole because I left and didnt want to pay what she was losing in state support, and now theyre struggling. I find it completely disrespectful and so demeaning to my moms memory. I am torn. I just wanted to say thanks for posting your experiences because its nice to know that I am not alone. Isnt it obvious that the reason my sister has the worst relationship of all with my dads wife is because she lost her relationship with my dad because of his relationship with his wife?? It's okay to be heartbroken; you won't lose that deep connection with him. Some people it may take even longer and others, not so much. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through, me and her were so close. Maybe you could try to get to know her and her children. WebI (23F) & my husband (24M) lived with my mom (48F) during Covid. And on top of everything that was going on with my mommy, my dad and i hadnt been getting along for a couple years now. Your new love has you to keep him occupied all they have is pain and sadness and memories of someone they had loved and lost. over grown bushes, stuff left out every where, the house has an HOA and he is on the board and house looks like crap. So I would be at the hospital Day and night, until my Dad and I took shifts. I understand he has to get on with his life but he picked the first thing that came along and I think he feels like he has to settle because of his facial/body disfigurments. He said tonight you will not win this you will not run my life. Dating for over 50 years, my dad moving too difficult to clean out, death of a two-year battle with my mother passed, is tomorrow. My dad told me after that he didnt want to hurt her feelings or for me to seem so mean and selfish so he told her to do it, not caring or considering how it would upset me as Im about to walk down the aisle on my wedding day. It was because of the cancer that was growing all over her body. After she passed I found myself feeling very responsible for his well-being. Ive sought counsel elsewhere, in real life and on the internet, and it always amounts to a guilt trip: How dare I try to deprive my father of happiness? Or call 18665650065 between 8 a.m. and 8 p.m. Ellen is divorced and has two adult sons from her previous marriage. In addition to wanting you to be happy she would want her entire family.all of her children and everyone they are in relationship with to treat one another with love, kindness, respect and consideration. He just wasnt the kind of person who could sit around moping and be sad. I am so sad because we were so close. My husband is an only child and we have no children ourselves. I invited my dad so my friend could help him improve his dance skills so we could dance together. I was shocked at his behavior. No good way to treat it. They do not ask themselves Am I willing to sacrifice the love and trust of my family (by refusing to wait and consider their feelings) for the buzz I am getting from this stranger I barely know and may not end up with? I dealt with this situation head-one and attempted to equip myself with all the information I could. Its still uncomfortable being with them, I think perhaps if hed waited lo get, it would have been easier. Let have them do it know when he also knew that what she wanted and my Brother and my son were on there way, and should of been there by noon. After the services concluded, I assumed that my role was to be a constant source of funa natural assumption for a 13-year-old. After reading your post I felt like we were kindred sisters! I feel okay about my behavior through it all as I only ever told him the truth about how I felt, I never yelled or lost my temper. You will know who the good ones are. Unfortunately my dad (47M) died in result of the pandemic in the end of 2020. Its over. Im sad, scared, confused and irritated with myself for petty immature thoughts. I dont understand what my children are feeling because I have not lost a parent so to sit here and say that I understand what you are going thru I cant. We have to live it the best we can and not have regrets later on. We believe hope is the bridge between loss and recovery. The feeling that my family isnt my family anymore. Definitely this. You cant just erase them from the face of the earth. My mother passed away in May 2012 after a five-year battle with brain cancer. My Mom died December 5th, 2012. Dad will not be late or her or she will not go out with him,so when I visit him,and hes arranged to be at hers,even just to be at hers for nothing in particular,he panics to get me out just so she wont be annoyed with him. Its all about her family and that is what hurts. But guess what? We told my dad and his fiance how happy we were for them, and we were. This lola lady died last summer. We can plan and think well know how well react, but life just happens to all of us. How I struggle each and every day just to make it to bedtime and then get up and do it all over again, all while trying to be a good wife and mother. I visit every other day alternating with my sister. I tell you this because it may not be a mail order bride situation but it is true to say that lots of folk would want to move to the U.S.So in answer to your question What kind of woman would fly to the U.S-Many Brits would! Its at once comforting to find other people who relate, and daunting to imagine that these feelings might not fade with time and age. Right after my dads funeral, my group of friends from high school were sitting around me in the sun, making sure that I was being sufficiently hugged. My new GF is so understanding and does not want to replace my wife. It's not on you or your siblings to support her. Needless to say we have grinned and bared it, and have been as pleasant and respectful as can be.We went for dinner to my dads house that he and my mom built together & new wife thinks she owns it, besides the point we had dinner and I noticed something on her wrist and it seemed like she was hiding it all evening I was staring and making sure that maybe I was just seeing things. grandchildren and great-grandchildren at his house. She's also very young and has plenty of time to work. He was kind of a hermit. She will leave him for up to three weeks at a time without a visit. She sent us cards on my mothers death anniversary or birthday and was SO sympathetic to us. To give an indication of how bizarre the relationship is after 35 years neither has a key to the others house.They will not stay in their partners home unless the other is also present. She just really did not know what to do and spent a lot of time just Drifting about. Trust me though, if something happens to her, hell come running back looking for his family to support him again and then the ball will be in your court. He told my younger sister that he has already grieved for his wife and is ready to move on. Honestly, Id rather stick a fork in my eye than talk to her. Had she been a kind woman and shown any caring it would be different. I realized that you dont move past ityou go through it, and you continue to go through it, like youre paddling in a canoe through a muddied river.